The Great Divide - Divorce and Teens

How is this for a definition of divorce: Divorce is a crisis in the family life cycle, creating a state of disequalibrium for everyone at all generational levels throughout the nuclear and extended family system. The disruption is associated with shifts and changes in membership and boundaries, requiring a major reorganization of the family. Whew!

When asked what divorce is a teenager said, "It is like having your whole life flushed down a toilet and as it swirls downward you are powerless to do anything about it."

Many couples think that by getting legally divorced, they will get emotionally divorced. A total emotional divorce is not really possible when there are children involved. The paths of parents will eventually cross through school functions, graduations etc. and the old emotional connections and reactions are awakened.

With adolescence being filled with many changes both physical and emotional, with the search for identity and the formations of their coming separateness, divorce is a huge wrench thrown in to mess everything up.

Because of this dynamic time of a teens life and the unsettled nature of adolescence, their reaction to divorce may be: anger, a pressing need for a stable home, and a need for clear boundaries between them and their parents. This is especially true around such issues as sexuality, dating, and responsibilities around the house.

Teenagers need a secure base so they can grow up and leave and divorce shakes that base. THEY DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THEIR PARENTS LIVES!

While divorce may be seen as a solution to their problems few teens want their parents to divorce no matter how much marital tension they have endured.

Their reactions vary according to age, temperament, sex, position in the family, past experience, support systems, and cognitive and social competence.

Divorce for the adolescent means a change in the nature of their primary relationship. This can be very unsettling to say the least. It may change the access to extended family members. It turns their world upside down.

Where there is a bitter divorce it can set up unholy alliances with one parent and the children against the other

Research shows that with the father absent there seems to be a connection between delinquency, underachievement, promiscuity, and confused sexual identity. In a study of 200 fathers it was found that while it was indeed a factor that the father was no longer in the home other psycho-social factors such as poverty were more central to the behavioral disturbances.

A number of factors impact how a teenager will adjust to divorce.

AGE
A consensus of many studies show that the younger the children are the greater the short term impact. However if the child has a vivid recollection of pre divorce family life the impact is greater.

SEX
Many studies indicate that divorce is harder on boys than on girls. The reasons are not real clear it may have something to do with the same sex parent moving out.

PARENTAL CONFLICT
There is a strong correlation between poor post divorce adjustment and parental conflict. This is the most crucial factor in the functioning of the family.

Teens will need and want a qualitative, ongoing relationship with both parents. This is very important to their post divorce adjustment.

TERMINOLOGY
Single parent family- This is a misnomer, unless there is a death there are still two parents. This wipes out the father's place just by the very language.

STATISTICS
Fifty percent of the children of divorce have no direct contact with the non-custodial parent in a year. Think of that 50%!

By six years, after the divorce less than a quarter of the non-custodial fathers see their children more than monthly, and less likely if they are girls, and even less likely if the father has remarried.

Half of all school children will reside in a one parent household or a step parent.

Sixty percent of second marriages also end in divorce so a teen may go through more than one divorce in his or her lifetime.

Thirty five percent of the divorced households will not remarry, so over a third will be one parent households.

CUSTODY
This is a battle ground with the kid in the middle pulled from two sides. The every other weekend deal does not provide satisfaction. Joint custody is the latest and perhaps the best idea.

Divorce and its impact vary so widely. Some families who have been experiencing turmoil and chaos before the divorce and who after the divorce tend to normalize and calm down a bit may find the children doing much better emotionally than before. This is usually a barometer as to how traumatic it was for them in the home.

With divorce increasing in our society we must be ever diligent in knowledge and understanding as to how we can minimize the effects of divorce on a family and how to maximize their potential for emotional wholeness.

Questions? Ask Bob